Hello everyone–happy new year!! So sorry for the delay in blogging. The holidays and everything else that comes along with them really threw us off !
Justin wrote about loneliness and Autism–something that a lot of people don’t understand, I think. I hope you enjoy reading about it and can relate! I know I can. I’d love to hear your thoughts about this and if you struggle with this. What do you do?
Loneliness is something that comes with autism; at least I feel it does. It sucks to be surrounded by people who love you, but you are too scared to even speak to them or even approach them. That’s how I am. I have an older brother and an older sister who I look up and love immensely, but if it wasn’t for my wife, I couldn’t speak to them. I get too scared to talk to them, which is ridiculous because obviously they love me. But as soon as they walk in the room I shut down. I’ve scripted conversations in my head to them, ask them questions, tell them I want to spend more time with them, but then I actually see them, and I shut down. I can’t speak. My brain stops me from being able to do anything, so I start talking about random shit that doesn’t make sense or they don’t care about.
This is when I really understand other autistic people when they say you feel like you’re on an alien planet. In social gatherings, with people I know and love, I feel insanely lost and start sweating. I just don’t speak at all, and then they probably think that I’m mad or irritated, which is definitely not the case. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a cave when I feel like this, or hiding in the corner.
It gets worse when I don’t see them often, too. I lived with my mom for about 30 some years, and when I’m around her, I don’t really know what to say. She loves to talk, so she usually does, which is great, because I have no pressure to say anything. This is like this with my best friend. We’ve been friends since grade school, but I don’t see him enough, and then when I finally do, I feel like an idiot because I don’t know what the hell to talk about. I end up just being quiet and being weird. Thankfully he’s weird like me, so he doesn’t care, but I feel stupid.
I love reading and biographies are one of my favorite things to read. One of the most impactful things I’ve read about musicians’ biographies are that they can be surrounded by people and want nothing but the best for you and love you, but you feel like you are completely alone. That’s one of the biggest reasons I want counseling; I want to get over this. I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels like this.
Does anyone else struggle with this? How do you overcome it? What do you do?