Weed!!!

This might be controversial to some. If you are offended by this post, I’m sorry in advance. But I can’t begin to explain how much pot/Mary Jane/the W/THC has helped Justin. 

Justin was a straight edger his whole life. When we started dating, he didn’t even drink (and to this day has never been drunk). Pot, which was illegal here in Washington, was completely out of the question. 

So Christmas eve 2015, my brother came over l. Weed was legalized here in 2013, but he still hadn’t touched it. He got stoned with my brother, and since then he’s been using it.

Autism and pot??   Whaaaaaat??? Think about how much you think.  And stress.  Now multiply that by 10, amd worry about things like driving, dinner, your wife’s problems, what if a tree fell on your house, and every other problem ever. This is Justin’s brain 24/7. 

Then imagine one puff of a plant calms you down. You can focus on one thing instead of 100. You can sleep. You don’t stress as much. You can enjoy  your life. This is Justin on pot.

There are so many people who have problems with pot and so many people who say they’d divorce their husbands if they smoke. Let me just tell you my opinion.  You’re crazy. Justin is able to open up more to me. He can tell me sweet things and compliments on it. He won’t stress until he’s sick. I’ve seen the amazing outcomes for people with seizures and other terrible diseases. And for autism, I’m a fan.

Since Justin’s god-awful asthma this summer, he stopped using the plant. He switched to a vape pen and wax, which is vapor and a lot smoother. It’s working miracles to help him stay calm and focused. Why is this still considered a drug??? Is he supposed to be on mood stabilizers that turn him into a zombie and kill his sex drive? Is that what people expect? 

I don’t want that for him. I say try it. In my eyes this is so much better than dealing with crippling anxiety and stress. 

This is his new setup. Easy!!

Happy 4th of July!!!

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted a blog. Life gets in the way!!

On July 4th 2008 Justin and I became official. He introduced me as his girlfriend at his *clears throat* brother’s girlfriend’s mom’s house for a 4th of July celebration that is still our tradition. Funny enough, he couldn’t remember her name so he spat out “This is my girlfriend…uh…” I finally interjected and said “I’m Tara.” I gave him shit about not remembering my name but he just couldn’t remember hers!

Anyway, I had no idea at the time that he would end up being my husband.  We still go to the same place every year for the 4th.  This place ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️


Justin’s autism means that we have to plan things and I can’t spring things on him at the last minute.  It works well for me, because I hate last minute too. But it also means he constantly second guesses if he even wants to go. That makes it difficult sometimes too.  He gets stressed about the driving, the time, what we’re taking, etc. It’s hard to keep him from stressing about it. Actually I can’t keep him from stressing at all. That’s what sucks.

Today I came home to a dozen roses and homemade chicken parmesan for dinner, btw. He loves me.

Here’s to another 9 years, baby.

Childfree by Choice

I am 32 years old, and Justin is 34 (going on 12).  We have been together for 9 years this July 4th, and married for one year on the 13th (holy crap).

Translation:  WHY HAVEN’T YOU HAD KIDS YET???

I hear this constantly.  It’s just something that we’re going to have to hear probably for the rest of our lives.  Our friends and families near us are out having child after child, and we’re just expected to do the same.  Well, here’s the thing.  You’ve got kids–cool.  You want kids–cool.  I respect that, and all the more love and power to you to have those kids.  I will love them too…and then give them back.

Justin & I don’t want kids.  Period.  No, we’re not “going to change our minds.” No, I don’t have a biological clock that’s ticking.  And no, we don’t care who’s going to take care of us when we’re older.  And no, I’m not just saying that because I secretly want kids and I’m too scared to tell him (that’s a terrible thing to do anyway).

Part of the reason, besides the obvious (we like our time together), is Justin’s autism.  He doesn’t want any future children seeing his melt downs.  He doesn’t want a change in routine (which is constant with kids) to mess him up and have his entire day ruined because of a change.  He has full on panic attacks when he gets nauseous.  Kids puke a lot.  If he’s around people who are throwing up, he’s booking it out of the premises ASAP.  And what do kids do for the first part of their lives?  Puke.  He doesn’t want to risk having a child with autism either.  This doesn’t mean that we’re bad people.  We’re making the conscious choice to not have children and enjoy the family of two that’s more than enough for us.

To be honest, I get tired of hearing about people getting pregnant and having kids.  Why isn’t just having a husband enough?  Why do they think they have to have kids?  Do they think their lives aren’t complete without them?  I never thought I’d get married when I was younger.  I didn’t even think I’d have a boyfriend, let alone actually get married.  So when I met Justin and we got married, I’m fulfilled.  I don’t want another kid taking away our time with each other.  It’s how we both want it.  And no matter what people tell us, that’s how it’s going to stay.

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How Do I Say I Love You?

For someone with ASD, communication is incredibly difficult (obviously).  They get frustrated easily because they can’t find the words they’re looking for.  They get upset when people don’t understand them.  They don’t know how to talk to people, including their close relatives or significant others.

Justin said “I love you” first.  It caught me off guard big time.  We’d only been dating about a month or so, and he was headed off to an evening store meeting at his job.  I was so shocked I said “Drive safe!”  and went into the house, where the roommates teased and loved that we were progressing in our relationship.

Then, we didn’t say it.  He didn’t say it.  We weren’t living together at the time, so when we said goodbye, it was a kiss and a bye.  It wasn’t I love you.  I was starting to think he thought he’d made a mistake, or one of those, “OMG I said I love you too early!”  …but then again, our relationship didn’t have any of that awkward drama, so I didn’t really know what was going on.

For the first few years, Justin didn’t show much affection.  He didn’t cuddle me or hug me or do any of the “normal” relationship things like that.  We went camping once and he had hugged me from behind.  His mom was shocked and made a comment about it (nothing mean) and I could FEEL the awkwardness in Justin.  And of course he let go.  Affection is HARD for Aspies.  They are afraid you’ll reject them, or that you won’t show it back, or just plain don’t know how to do it.  I was never worried he didn’t actually love me.  He just didn’t know how to show it.  I assumed it was because his family wasn’t affectionate and he didn’t grow up that way, but when I hugged his family, I got genuine hugs back from them.  Hugging Justin is like hugging a statue sometimes.  An awkward statue.

Justin expresses his love in lots of ways.  Obviously, sex is a big one.  But he also writes notes to me constantly (last night I was complaining about feeling ugly with my broken out face, braces on my wrists for carpal tunnel and crazy stupid hair, and I woke up this morning to a note about how I’m gorgeous to him no matter what).  The key for helping affection with Aspies is finding the way they can relay this.  Justin can text me and write me notes all day about how much he loves me.  He makes me coffee.  He cooks me dinner and will back my car up (yes, that means a lot to me).  Little things that you’d think “normal” people do in an Aspie world are magnified 10 times.  That “I love you” that he says to me once in a while means more to me than hearing it 100 times a day.

Just because they don’t show up with flowers, tell you they love you constantly, hug you or caress you all the time doesn’t mean that they don’t love you.  Which means that when they are able to say it the few times they can, you know in your heart that there’s no lie, and it makes you feel like the luckiest person alive.

Communicating with an Aspie

I’ve asked Justin several times since he was diagnosed how we communicate so effectively.  People with autism don’t read sarcasm or body language very well, and I am pretty much the definition of both.  When we first started dating, I didn’t notice anything unusual about the way he communicated, but I did notice he spoke FAST.  I just thought he was nervous!

Justin often tells me that I’m not a “typical” woman because I say what I feel.  If I’m mad at him, I tell him.  If I’m sad, I tell him.  I guess a lot of women don’t speak or tell their significant others what they’re feeling (which is really weird to me–good communication is the key in any relationship).  I just don’t hold back because it’s not fair if I’m unhappy and he’s perfectly fine.  This behavior, as it turns out, works great for communicating with someone with ASD.  I just tell him what is going on, and I’m blunt.  If he’s talking too much, I just tell him to shut up.  It doesn’t hurt his feelings–in fact, it’s the opposite.  He is happy that I tell him because he finds it so hard to try to guess what people are thinking or want to say.

I found a great article from this website about communicating with someone with Autism.

Communicating with Autism

I don’t try to make him guess what I’m thinking.  I was like this even before we thought he had autism, just because I never understood why people don’t just say what they think.  He doesn’t take offense to anything, so I’ve never been worried what I said would hurt his feelings.

Other people have noticed things about communicating with Justin is how he speaks back to them.  He talks fast and he mumbles.  He tries not to, but he doesn’t know how to accurately speak about his feelings or what he wants to say (typical Aspie trait).  He just has a difficult time getting what he wants to say out into words.

MY ADVICE

If you are dating someone with ASD, don’t worry about being blunt with them.  In fact, I encourage it.  If they do something that pisses you off, just tell them.  It will frustrate them more if you are holding something back and then tell them later how mad you were (holding back your feelings leads to melt downs–trust me on that one).  Try not to use sarcasm or expect them to read underlying messages.  They just don’t really understand it.  Justin gets my sarcasm–but yeah, we’ve been together for 9 years, so he gets it now.

 

I hope this helps shed a little light on communication and relationships in those with ASD.  Feel free to comment or ask questions of Justin or myself!

Happy 10 Month Wedding Anniversary!

Justin and I got married on June 13, 2016. Today is our 10 months and I thought I’d reflect a little.

We have been through a lot in the last 10 months! We both got new jobs. We were so broke we bounced checks just to make it to next payday. We both had melt downs of significant craziness.

And then he was diagnosed with ASD. Not a huge surprise, but still sort of a wake up call. Then he had to quit his job. We paid off all of our debt thanks to me leaving the comforts of a previous job I hated.  Everything changed in the blink of an eye.

And I’m so happy for everything.  I’m still happy I said I do and I’m so happy I picked him.

I love you, Justin!

Hyper Irritability…it’s A Thing

Yesterday was a rough day for Justin and I.  I work full time for a law firm, and Justin had to quit his last job because of his Autism causing him to pass out  (it’s a thing).

Justin was irritated. Not with me, or anything in general really. He was bored. He was hungry and nothing sounded good. But it wasn’t the irritable feelings normal neuros experience.  We find something to do and eat whatever we find.

I didn’t know what hyper Irritability was so I researched yesterday to see if ASD could cause it. Well, yes. And it’s exactly what Justin was experiencing.

Imagine–you’re annoyed with the world.  But nothing will help that feeling. I imagine it’s like PMS but without the super bitchy attitude and anger.  But what sucks is nothing sounds good or like it will resolve your irritability. “Watch a movie.” No. “Play video games.” No. “Have a grilled cheese.” No. It’s like dealing with a child sometimes which is frustrating because all I want to do is make him happy and loving life. I feel sometimes I fail at being a wife when he’s that irritated.  But really, there’s nothing I can do about it.

What do you all think? Do you experience this too? What’s the best way to overcome that feeling?

Thanks to all my new subscribers.  I hope this reaches people who can use the love and support and experiences we have!