Justin and Our Relationship

I love Justin.  He is my everything.  I asked him to write a blog about our relationship, and here is what he’s got to say.

Relationships

Yikes.  This topic is harder for me, because it’s more emotions, and as I am learning, I don’t know much about most emotions. I look at my relationship with Tara, and I feel like it’s something completely different from every other relationship I’ve ever had.  I can’t explain it, really–I guess it’s the knowledge she was the one to marry maybe?  Insert barfing noise here.

I guess I am not normal in the terms of how I view my relationship. With Tara I don’t feel like we have a relationship—it’s deeper than that for me.  She is my other half and I mean that in the way it sounds. There are days where I have to go to the doctor’s or counselor’s, and I hate it because I don’t want to speak and I don’t want to deal with society. With Tara, I am not scared at all.  If I go somewhere and I am feeling a little overwhelmed, I don’t have to say anything to her at all.  She can tell by my posture and my ticks that I’m overwhelmed.

A lot of people wonder why we work together so well.  We have only been in two fights ever. My past girlfriends–no offense to them this is just how they work–wouldn’t say how they felt or what they wanted, and that’s hard for me, so we fought constantly.  I don’t mean to be cold, but if you don’t tell me or show me you’re upset, I can’t tell.  With Tara, she’ll just tell me when she wants a hug or to be comforted, and it doesn’t bother her.  She doesn’t expect me to be a mind-reader.  Physical touch and hugs can be uncomfortable for me (more on that later), but I’ve gotten a lot better with her.

I use this story as an example: I was at my now wife’s house when we were dating.  It was close to my birthday, and she was framing my present.  I went over to her house and apparently it was on the ironing board right when I walked in.  Her heart sank and she thought for sure that I had seen it.  Well I was so focused on my phone or the floor or whatever that I didn’t even notice.  I had no idea and never even saw it.

I don’t think I could put my finger on just one thing in our relationship that makes it so successful; there are a lot of ways that we work. I want to expand my world, and she helps a lot with that.  I used to be one of those people that stayed in my house all the time, I never went to parties or really did anything outside of family camping, but Tara makes me want to get out and explore the state.  She helps me feel safe.

Another thing that’s hard for me is finding or picking something out. For example if we are going out to eat if Tara says where do you want to go my brain immediately things of every restaurant within 100 miles of us and that is insanely overwhelming, so it’s easier for me if she says what she wants or narrows down the choices.  Sometimes if I can’t decide where to go or what to eat I just don’t go out or I end up eating the same stuff I’ve had for a week.

I just love her.IMG_8749

Stimming & Justin

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(Us on 10/7/2017; at one of the most beautiful places in Washington state–Twanoh State Park)

I asked Justin to write a blog post about stimming.  We watched the movie The Accountant, with Ben Affleck, a while ago, and he does the stimming where he racks a piece of wood on his shins listening to hardcore music for 10 minutes.  I didn’t really get it.  From a neuro-typical point of view, it looks crazy.  This apparently is called stimming, which is sort of a self-soothing/stimulation thing for Aspies and Autism-spectrum people everywhere.  I don’t really notice now when Justin stims, and I know it’s something he needs to do.  His stimming behavior isn’t too out of this world–he just gets lost in music or does 15 things at once, and it seems to help.  I found a really good article about it:

Autism & Stimming

I recommend reading this.  It helps to understand why they do this & that it’s normal for them.

So I had Justin write about it, too.  Here’s what it’s like in his world.

 

Stimming From An Aspie’s point of view

Have you ever watched a really, really good movie that keeps you on the edge of your seat the whole time?  Or read a mystery novel that you just can’t even?  You know that weird tension you feel where you feel you gotta keep bouncing your leg or move to the edge of your seat, or just can’t sit still?

That’s how autism feels some days.  All day.  ALL DAY.  It’s not regular.  Some days I wake up just fine, and some days I wake up feeling like I want to run around the block 17 times.  I feel the odd tension and just have this weird energy.  Some people with Autism shake, or rock back and forth, or flail their hands and legs and arms.  But it’s only temporary.  I didn’t know what it was until recently, and it’s stimming.

Apparently I’ve been stimming most of my life.  For me, loud music is my go-to.  I don’t really care what kind of music it is (not screamo or anything like that), but I just pick the song or station, blare it (sorry, neighbors) and it takes me to a totally blank place.  I don’t feel my whole body, and I don’t have my usual billion thoughts.  I just feel better.  But sometimes I feel emotional afterwards, which is weird, and feel like I need to cry.  I haven’t figured that out yet.

Multi-tasking, or doing 10 things at once helps me too.  While typing this up, I also have a YouTube up with a football player’s biography and another YouTube up with my favorite band Korn playing in the background.  Some people can’t do this (my wife, for example), because it’s too much at once.  But it helps me a lot.  I am only focusing all my thoughts on this writing, but I also can hear all that and focus on the writing at the same time.  I also can get completely lost in researching things.  My wife told me about Chernobyl, which I had never heard of until I met her.  I got obsessed with learning about this, and spent hours losing track of time and completely sucking up all information I could find on this topic.  This was me 24/7.  I barely did anything else (except the music and other stuff in the background, of course!).

Up until I married my wife, I thought everyone could do this.  She can’t have anything on while she’s focusing, like on homework or something.

So if anyone you know is autistic or has Asperger’s and flails their hands or taps, that’s usually why.  Stimming helps us a lot.

 

Be patient with those who have this behavior.  You know how that anxiety can feel, and they feel it worse than the neuro-typical.  Don’t shame them for it, and just let them do what they gotta do.

Do you stim?  Do you know others who stim and what their self-soothing behavior is?  Share with us. We’d love to hear how others tackle this.

More Words from the Aspie Mouth!

I like it when Justin writes blogs for me to slaughter.  I mean–edit (ahem).  I hope that you can find some relation to what he feels, and vice versa.  I’d like Justin to know he’s not alone with this weird brain he’s got, and that I love him no matter how hard it is to get him to speak to people (or to stop talking!!!).

Shit Justin says:

I don’t know how it is for other people, but for me there is more than one factor as to why it’s hard for me to speak to people. One is if I don’t know the person, I will first notice their mannerisms and how they speak.  Then, however they speak, I will mimic them and their cadence because I don’t know how to speak to them.

From beginning to end of a conversation, I really don’t know when to start and when to stop, so I have a tendency to start a conversation and then I will trail off. Sometimes I feel like my brain’s moving so fast I can’t slow down my thoughts.  I do know that when I get excited, I will talk really fast, and that also happens when I get really nervous.  It drove my wife crazy when she first met me because I had so much I wanted to say I had to slow down how fast I was talking.

It’s also hard to know what to do with my hands, and I don’t know if other Aspies have that problem.  I try to focus on their body movements and try to copy them, but if they’re not moving, I start to fidget and play with my phone or goatee.

I also HATE eye contact.  It’s the worst thing in the world.  Okay, well, I take that back. It’s not THAT bad.  But it’s really stressful.  I try to look people in the eye because I know it’s rude, but when someone looks into my eyes, I feel like they can see into my soul or memories.  I know they can’t, obviously, but that’s what it feels like.  I barely look at anyone in the eyes, and if I do, it’s my wife, and only for a minute or two.  It’s not me trying to be disrespectful or being a dick—that’s just how it is for me.  I also feel like a creeper if I stare at peoples’ eyes too much.

Socializing is a weird thing for me—if the conversation lags or if I don’t know what to talk about, I’ll bring up random crap, like family memories or something else weird.  I just don’t know what to talk about.  This happens if I don’t see someone for a while, too.  My best friend in the world and I barely see each other, because it legitimately stresses me out because I haven’t seen him for a while.  I worry what to talk about (though my wife says we don’t ever shut up anyway).

I feel like avoiding socializing altogether is easier.  The day after I socialize or play games or just hang out with people I’m exhausted.  It’s like a physical thing for me.

Are any other Aspies like this too?

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