It’s true. When I was younger, I was never asked out on dates. Guys didn’t pay attention to me. I was never told I was beautiful, attractive, etc. I was always just “smart.” I was awkward, plus size, and didn’t have a pretty face. I still don’t think I’m attractive (sorry babe–I know you’ll be mad at that!!!). My first boyfriend wasn’t until I was 19, and then he dumped me the day after he met me for the first time. So safe to say, I was over the whole “marriage” idea. I was going to be a career-driven woman, with a few fun flings along the way, and I was completely cool with that (though I don’t think my mom was!!!).
Then Justin happened. Most of you know it wasn’t love at first sight, sparkles and cutesy love music in the background, kissing me and my foot popping up, chick-flick style love. It was natural, it took a little while, and it wasn’t very romantic–no flowers were involved in the courting process, and he didn’t stand outside my window blaring music. But it was absolutely effortless, and that is why it was so amazing. It was just so natural and meant to be. It was just hey…here’s Justin…here’s Tara…yeah, you guys belong together. We didn’t fight or wonder if we liked each other. It just was, like it was our destinies. And I couldn’t have been happier.
Anyway, now that we’re a year into our marriage, I want to share some thoughts about why our relationship works so well. I’ve gotten questions about how we manage to never argue after living together for 3 years, and how we don’t drive each other crazy. I thought I’d share how our simple love is made possible.
- SPEAK. The biggest issue with relationships is communication. I’ve mentioned this before, but I really can’t stress it enough. Does it piss you off when they leave their socks everywhere? SAY IT. Do you love when they fill your gas tank (Justin does this for me–it’s better than flowers)? TELL THEM. If you’re afraid they’re going to get pissed, oh well. If they do, really? You’re going to get pissed about that?
- Encourage each other. This is one in every marriage advice article you’ll find, but it’s true. It’s really important for people to hear that someone has faith in them (besides parents, because parents always think you could rule the world), and having a partner who keeps telling you this is the best feeling in the world.
- Don’t use sex as a weapon. Apparently people do this. They will reward their husbands with sex or intimacy if they take out the trash or do household chores. And in reverse–they won’t have sex with their husband if he misbehaves. This is TERRIBLE. Sex is the most intimate you can be with someone, and it’s a form of showing how much you love someone, and using it as a weapon is so harmful. Just don’t! Along these lines…
- Have sex–a lot. Don’t be shy about this part. Sex is super important in a relationship, and being able to share this with someone is amazing. It’s not dirty or shameful or “gross.” How much closer can you get to someone than this? Do it (literally) a lot.
- Compromise. I hate going to the store. I hate going places after work. It just sucks and I just want to come home and chill after a tiring day at work. But if Justin has been stuck at home all day and he wants to take a mini trip, I will do my best to go. It’s not fair that I make him be bored just because I’m tired. He’ll also compromise for me. He doesn’t like going to doctor’s appointments with me, but he’ll do it. Because we will compromise.
- Don’t tell them they’re not allowed to do things. I’ve seen this happen a lot. Wives will tell husbands they can’t buy something when they can afford it, or that they shouldn’t buy something just because they said so. Granted, if you’re broke and an ATV s on the top of someone’s wish list, yeah, don’t do it. But if your husband wants to start a new hobby and you just don’t want him to buy it because you think he has too much stuff or he’ll fail, this is pretty shitty. Encourage–remember. Let them explore and grow. It’s part of being alive.
- Leave the house. Get out together. Go for a drive together. Go see and do and learn new things. Staying inside in a cramped space drives you crazy (and makes you irritated with the other person) and is very damaging over time to your relationship and brain. Hop in the car and go drive and take loads of selfies (Justin loves them–haha!!). It’s worth it.
- Have fun together. Part of being with someone is just enjoying and having fun together. Justin makes me laugh and makes me feel beautiful every day–regardless of how I think I look. Nothing makes me happier than just being around him, and this is how it should be.
Besides being married to someone with autism, I think this advice is helpful in any relationship. Finding someone that you never thought you’d ever find is the best feeling in the world, and it takes work to keep it–but it’s worth it in every sense of the word.